


How far we've come

by Modlisznik



Series: Slice of life on Mars [3]
Category: The Technomancer (Video Game)
Genre: Academy Era, Aftermath of Violence, Anxiety, Bullying, Chronic Illness, Connor the therapist, Conversations, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Memory Loss, Mother Abundance loves her children, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smoking, Zach is a bisexual disaster, more like sitting and talking, pre-game, somebody hug this kid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-05-07 13:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14671821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Modlisznik/pseuds/Modlisznik
Summary: - God, I want to smoke so bad. - Sean sighed and stretched.- Wish I could help you. - Zach shook his head. Whatever little stash he had, he has left it at home. - But I bet the boys there might have some.- They always have. I could just call a field day and raid their bunks. - He seemed to toy with this idea for a moment. - But I hadn't been smoking since I came back home, and I don't intend to start again now.Zach counted.- Five years, huh?- Look how far we've come. You were afraid of me when we first meet. - He looked at his student, a smirk on his lips. Zach didn't answer; every protest he could come up with would be a lie. - It's fine; I was afraid too.





	1. Field trip

\- Nothing broken, I hope?

Zach stretched; his whole body was aching, but no more than usual after the sparring. He moved his fingers, just to be sure, and counted his teeth with his tongue.

\- I'm fine, Master.

\- Good.

They sat on the ground, near the edge of the cliff. The Sun was painting the sky blue; the evening cold already started to creep its way up. But after the whole day of exercise they were both warmed up. The chill felt nice.

Long past were the days when the training day like this would make Zach nearly nauseous from exhaustion. Now his breath was calm and steady, his thoughts clear. He was feeling happy, even - with this peculiar kind of elation that comes after a good fight. And the hand-to-hand combat was hard to compare with anything else - it was personal. Intimate, in a way.

Scott had told him one day about the chemistry in his brain responsible for such emotional reaction, but Zach hasn't listened carefully enough. Not like it mattered right now.

Sean reached out and touched Zach's hand; Zach smiled and squeezed it gently. Its warmth was familiar; comforting. Just a little ritual, to show that there was no ill will between them; things were quite heated up sometimes. But it was over now.

\- Can we later read a little? - He asked.

\- How can you not be tired? - Sean laughed.

\- I am, just not sleepy yet.

Well, he was pretty tired, but didn't want for this day to end yet. After all, it was his second time outside of the city. The sooner they'll go to their beds, the sooner the next day will start, the sooner…

Not yet.

\- Sure, why not. You earned this; it was a good fight. But now let's just sit for a moment; I'm an old man, I need my rest.

\- You're 34, Master.

\- That's a slander.

Zach chuckled.

\- You can't just call me out like that, Zachariah, I have a reputation to keep.

\- I think the white hair suits you, Master.

\- Yes, I like it too.

\- It's like you'd skip the boring "adult male" phase and went right for the "silver fox".

\- You little rascal. - Sean smacked him on the shoulder and Zach, grinning, repaid him in kind.

There was something comforting in the ease Mancer was handling his imperfections with. It was giving Zach hope that, perhaps, when people are looking at him, they're seeing more than the scars. And if not, well, maybe he too could weave his blemish into who he is. Maybe even make up the story behind it; something more thrilling than the accident he barely remembered. Something involving a giant monster? He had a few of these stories in his mind already.

Zach shifted to a more comfortable position, resting his back against a stone; it didn't look like Master intended on leaving this spot anytime soon. Thinking about it, he probably didn't want to return to Ophir as much as Zach.

Sean had collected a few old favours from his days in the Army to get them here for a week - to the old watchtower by the railroad siding on one of the Shadowpaths. Nothing fancy - the building was basically abandoned, but the roof above the square was still solid, and the train that has brought them here - comfortable enough. They were not that far from Ophir, the city was still visible, the colossal dark dome over the canyon - but it was far enough. The air smelled different, there was no concrete under their feet and the view was simply breathtaking.

Mars could be beautiful sometimes.

And only by being outside you could tell how loud the city was. The quiet here was soothing. And Zach didn't had to talk with anyone other than his Master; a thing hard to overestimate.

They were alone here; not counting the engineer, obviously, and ten soldiers assigned for Sean's "protection". He never explained, if that should mean protecting him from danger - one could meet bands of bandits even this close to the capital city of Abundance - or from doing something unwise. Truth be told, should Sean decide so, would they be able to stop him? He was wondering sometimes if the soldiers were thinking about it too.

Zach could ask Sean about it, but he'd probably answer.

However Mancer didn't do anything treacherous yet, and there were no raving bands of outlaws in sight, so for the bunch of Hunters it was basically a shore leave. They seemed to be no less excited by being under the open sky than Zach himself was, and more than willing to keep their distance from both Mancers. Right now they were working on something by the car; cleaning it, probably, or looking for things in a need of fixing. As long as they were seeming very busy, Sean was leaving them be - if not, he was getting creative. After he caught them on slacking of yesterday, he called a “Hamster Run” - they spent the rest of the day running around in their gas masks, every few steps falling to the ground and stuffing stones in their pockets.

Still, they didn't seem to be upset by that; doing the mind-numbing tasks was a vital part of serving in the Army, apparently. Nonetheless, Zach knew the soldiers were watching them fighting. They even cheered sometimes, when he made a clean hit or gained an upper hand against _Dedushka Moroz_ , the Grandpa Frost, as they were calling Sean among themselves. Zach wondered, if they knew how old their captain really was.

He himself was called simply "the captain's kid", which was nice, even if not true.

Sean began to unwrap bandages on his hands protecting palms from an injury. The training session was officially over. Zach knew he should at least wipe of blood from his mouth - but then the sight of Sean's profile in the dull evening light reminded him of something - and suddenly the happiness was gone. He slouched.

\- Why did you hesitate? I was exposed.

It was almost scary sometimes, the ease his Master was able to guess what's on Zach's mind with. And of course he wouldn't just let it be.

\- I thought it was a trick.

\- It wasn't, and you knew it. I was simply too slow.

\- Well, I… - He started sheepishly, but couldn't force himself to continue. Every excuse he could come up with would be a lie. - Just didn't want to hurt you.

\- Not something I hear very often. - Sean briefly touched Zach's hand. - I should thank you, Zachariah, as your kindness saved my nose.

\- You're welcome.

\- At the end of the day, the most valuable thing I can do as your teacher is to make you see your limits… so I'll consider this a lesson for us both.

Zach glanced at him; was the talk over? Shadows, please let it be over, there's nothing to talk about.

\- But don't do it next time - Sean continued, because of course it wasn't. - Or have I piss you off? I hate to do it, but I will if it'll mean that you won't go easy on me.

\- No, it… - He took a deep breath. The very thought was distressing; Zach didn't like his angry self. - … won't be necessary.

\- I hope so. - Sean nodded and smiled. - Anyway, it's not like you could do me any serious harm; not yet. Believe me, at this point every chance like this still would be an effect of my mistake, which, sadly, happens once in a while. If you'd not point it out for me, how I'm supposed to learn?

\- I know, Master, I see your point. It's just hard.

\- I see.

\- I always feel bad beating you.

\- That's not true and you know it. You feel bad afterwards.  

Zach bit his lips; talking with Sean was frustrating sometimes. And he was right, which was not helping at all.

\- Yeah, I am. - _Ok, here we go._ Zach fixed his sight on the horizon; he has found out that this way it was easier for him to speak about more personal matters. - When we're fighting, I just want to win. To be better. Better than you. - He glanced at Sean and seeing his nod, continued. - It's not like I _hate_ you or want to see you fall, just… want to be the one left standing, whatever it takes. And it feels good! I'm enjoying our sparrings. - He smiled. - But then the emotions are fading out and I'm seeing the bruises and the blood and… Or that one time I had almost broken Master Connor's tooth?

\- You were thirteen. He had said that it wasn't so serious.

\- It's not how I was feeling about this. - _And not how Alan has made it look like afterwards._ \- I know he wasn't angry at me or anything, just… I shouldn't do it! It's like I'd broke his trust. - He stopped, feeling his throat clenching. He took a deep breath, and again, until he was sure that his voice will not break. Thankfully, Sean remained silent for the time. - I had spoken with Master Connor afterwards.

\- And what has he said?

\- That he's the one to blame for all of this. - He shrugged. - And that I shouldn't lose myself in the fight, as the victory achieved no matter the costs is probably not worth it. As the technomancers, we should strive for the excellence.

Sean sighed. Deeply.

\- Master Connor is… a pure soul, Zachariah. He's wise, and noble, and kind. But he don't understand.

Zach raised his eyebrow.

\- And it's a good thing - Sean continued - as he don't need this knowledge to perform his task. And his task is to take a bunch of hyperactive little savages and mold them into civilized young people.

\- Hey! We weren't savages.

\- With the raging hormones, unstable electric powers and far too much energy? You're all little wildlings, Zach, and I'm eternally grateful for Connor's ability to keep you from blowing all of us out. - Sean laughed. - If I had to substitute for him even for a day, I'd set the whole school on fire.

\- Yeah, no doubt about that.

\- So, all those years of herding you have given him the skillset that's truly unique among us. But he doesn't quite understand the later part of our lives; he think he does, he tries to, but it's something that you can only live through... and he has never set his foot outside of Ophir.

\- Why? - He immediately regretted this question; it wasn't the thing you ask about. He didn't want to be nosy. Or yet again come up as the only one not knowing the thing perfectly obvious to everyone else.

\- Because he's ill, Zachariah. - Sean replied, cutting off the thread of self-depreciacion. - It's not something he cares talking with his students about. But I believe you're mature enough to handle it with respect.

\- How bad is it?

It wasn't unexpected; sometimes Master Connor was disappearing for days, weeks even. Sometimes his hands were shaking. Sometimes he was walking with a cane. Every time he had a lot of excuses.

\- The Colonists had been calling it multiple sclerosis; a fancy name for when your immune system is eating your brain. He had been diagnosed shortly after his initiation, and is remaining in Ophir ever since.

\- Sounds awful. - It was hard to imagine: to train for something your whole life, only to learn that you'll never be allowed to do it. He suddenly wanted to just hug Master Connor, however embarrassing this may be.

\- Ian's taking a good care for him, and the meds he's taking seems to help a little, so it could be worse. And he's happy working with people, so, here's that. - Sean smiled. - Just don't you dare say to him that he's very brave; he hates it.

\- I would never.

\- Good.

\- Is hugging him also off the table?

\- Hugging Master Connor is never off the table, my dear.

_It's settled then; I'm going to hug him._

Turns out, asking a question didn't ended in a disaster. Actually Sean has never scolded him for such thing; quite contrary - Zach should rather worry that he'll get more than he bargained for. Despite that, Zach's brain was always prepared for the worst case scenario. Now, feeling the rare surge of self-confidence, young mancer decided they might as well get on with the other topic of this evening's conversation.

\- So I shouldn't listen to him in that matter, Master?

\- No, he was absolutely right in the first part. With all due respect... - He shook his head. - ...if he had allowed the thirteen-year-old to kick him in the face, he had no one to blame but himself.

\- He did said something like that.

\- Good. But the rest of it was… I shouldn't say "bullshit", but…

\- ...but you think it's bullshit.

\- Yes, I do. Your instinct was right when you were thirteen and is right now too: when the fight is inevitable, you have to win. Which means, somebody will hurt. There's no way around it.

\- I don't know if I'm ready for this.

\- No one is ready, Zachariah. - There was still a smile on Sean's lips, but in his eyes something different entirely. - It's not natural for us to hurt others, even though we had been born to be soldiers… or to deal in the less glorified forms of violence. There's a line in us that needs to be broken in order for us to be able to draw blood and break bones and not scream in terror. And when you'll be going through it, I want to be with you, because believe me, it's much harder when you are alone.

_I will ask him about it someday_ , he thought. _Not yet_.

\- I… - Zach shifted a little. - Does it have to be you, Master? Have no trouble punching Alan.

\- And I wish that only the ones like Alan would ever cross your path, Zachariah. Or not. - Sean frowned. - It would be an insult to your skills. Someone equally despicable, but more capable, so at least they'll make a challenge.

Zach snorted.

\- You shouldn't talk this way about one of us, Master. What would Master Connor say…

\- Well, he's not my brother yet. And if he'll ever be, I'll just lay myself down on the railway tracks, waiting for the release of death. But it's extremely unlikely for one to meet only with the Alans of this world; you should be ready for that. You must be prepared to face someone not that different from you, a fairly decent person, probably - and to harm them as well. Otherwise it'd be not only your own life you'd put in danger, but the soldiers under your command as well.

Yeah. The soldiers. Shadows, why.

\- I know it's scary - Sean continued - but it will not make you a bad person. Deliberate cruelty, malice, beating someone who's already down - this will. But not fighting for your life. And after you'll take the oath and become one of us, fight for your life you will, Zachariah. And I will rather let you break my nose in the training than risk that one day you'll just freeze up, terrified by the idea of violence, and get yourself killed.

Zach just found Sean's hand with his own and smiled. He probably shouldn't be so touched by the conversation about hurting people, but well, here he was. Weird was their life.

\- I will remember that, Master.

Sean smiled back. For a while they were just sitting quietly, their fingers laced together, and watching the sky turning dark. Somewhere beside them soldiers were busy pretending that they're busy.

\- For real, though, don't break my nose. I like it.

\- I should certainly try, Master. I like your nose too. It's a very nice nose.

\- My thoughts exactly.

Finally Zach unwrapped his own hands, feeling that the tension was slowly leaving his muscles. In a way, conversations like this one were no less exhausting than the workout. Apparently, not only for him.

\- God, I want to smoke so bad. - Sean sighed and stretched.

\- Wish I could help you. - Zach shook his head. Whatever little stash he had, he has left it at home. - But I bet the boys there might have some.

\- They always have. I could just call a field day and raid their bunks. - He seemed to toy with this idea for a moment. - But I hadn't been smoking since I came back home, and I don't intend to start again now.

Zach counted.

\- Five years, huh?

\- Look how far we've come. You were afraid of me when we first meet. - He looked at his student, a smirk on his lips. Zach didn't answer; every protest he could come up with would be a lie. - It's fine; I was afraid too.


	2. Phantom pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach has a lot of things to figure out on his own. Because of that, sometimes he understand less than his fellow students. Sometimes, he understands more.

_~~five years ago~~_

 

Should he know this man? Zach wasn't sure.

He knew he has forgotten things - names, places, events. And he still had trouble remembering sometimes; words were just fleeing from his mind, quick and elusive. Was this one of these things? How was he supposed to know?

So he stayed quiet, listening to the other students, hoping that their words will help him figure it out. They seemed to know him, that's obvious.

\- Look up there!

\- Look, he's back!

\- Sean is back!

They seemed excited, even; a few looked like they'd wave at him, if they could. But there was the training session in process; they should behave. The whispers must suffice.

And Zach listened, surrounded by the shards of stories, trying to put the pieces together. He was good at it. He had to.

No "Master" before his name; just "Sean". He wasn't one of the teachers, but he was from here. A relative of some of the students.

_everyone here is someone's relative_

(except for you)

Smiles, muffled laughters. The man was liked here.

Then the important word - "war". The war. The army. The front.

Enough words to paint a picture. Enough to make a sense of it.

Still, Zach was waiting for any part of it to feel familiar. It happened - there was a story in his mind, that he heard of or put together on his own, and suddenly there was something else - a sound, a smell, a particular gesture someone's hand - and suddenly it _clicked_ , and Zach knew it was his story, he was the part of it, it happened to him. He didn't just know - he remembered. Like he could suddenly move a muscle he didn't knew he had.

(The Masters said that his memories will return, in time. He just have to be patient. Until then he should just concentrate on his training.)

Nothing like this happened this time; he didn't remember this man. Yet or at all? He'll find out, in time.

Zach knew he could just ask, and he knew that he couldn't. Not if he didn't want to draw attention to himself (he didn't), to remind everyone (yet again) that he had forgotten things, not if he didn't want to take even more of his Masters' time. They had enough troubles because of him already.

(It was a gas leak, they had said.)

Half a year he had spent in a hospital, nearly a half more until he could hold a staff in his right hand. They had been with him the whole time - comforting him, as he panicked, because he couldn't feel the right side of his face; reading for him out loud, so he could still learn while being grounded in his bed. But they have been worrying - he knew that. Technomancer's nervous system is under an enormous pressure as it is - damage like this could have…

...consequences.

So he didn't want to worry them more. He could handle that himself. It wasn't even that bad; the life in the Academy had its steady rhythm and something unexpected rarely happened; the routine was comforting. But today was different, and all that excitement surrounding him made Zach be on pin and needles. Or was it because of something else?

He glanced over the man - Sean - and frowned. Something was wrong. Zach missed a piece.

The man didn't look like someone coming home.

He was standing on the gallery above their training hall, where the light was dim enough to obscure most of the details, making him only a dark silhouette. He seemed to be made of the straight lines - he stood tall with his legs apart, hands behind his back, chin up. And he didn't move at all. And he didn't say a word.

But Zach's colleagues didn't seem to notice.

\- Did you see his hair?

\- Look at his hair!

\- Whoa.

\- All white.

Zach looked again - it was white indeed, or at least very fair, as far as the light above revealed. Short mohawk, shaved to the skin on the temples; there was a dark line above his ears, must be the implant.

\- What's with the hair? - Zach murmured to the boy on his right. Terry has been born here; he should know.

\- It was dark before. Like mine. - Terry pointed on his head, on the short, dark brown buzz. - Before he left off to war. You weren't with us yet.

_So I don't know him. I got that right._

\- He turned grey? How old is he?

\- Not _that_ old. - Terry shrugged. - Thirty? Twenty-nine?

\- Damn. The war sucks.

\- I know, right?

Yet another light bulb broke, a rain of sparkles fell on the floor. Zach wasn't surprised; it was hard to maintain focus in this circumstances. Master Connor would surely be able to turn this unexpected event into a lesson about keeping one's concentration under a difficult conditions. Sadly, Master Connor was nowhere to be seen. His substitute for today, Master Melvin, wasn't interested in putting additional effort into today's lesson.

Master Melvin wasn't a very dedicated teacher, but he had a gift for creating exercises requiring as little of his participation as possible. Right now all of the students were standing in a rows, on one leg, with their left hands behind their backs and with a small light bulbs in their right hands. The goal was - to keep it shining as long as possible; the last one wins. The arm and the leg thing was probably to keep them from getting rid of competition by punching and kicking each other.

If so, Alan should be additionally gagged.

\- So you didn't know? - Alan looked around. - I knew he's back days ago!

\- How so? - Terry whispered back.

\- From my father. He always knows what's up. And he tells me about everything.

_I'm sure he does, Alan._

\- And you didn't tell us anything?

\- Pfh! - Alan pouted. - Some of us are able to keep a secret, Terry. Besides, I knew he'd come soon enough.

\- Quiet, please. - Master Melvin glanced at them from over his book. - I see some of you dropped out already, but we still don't have our winner. No chatter until the exercise is finished.

Twelve pair of eyes focused on twelve light bulbs. Some of the devices were already broken, which weakened the effect a little, but Master was apparently satisfied by this display of the students' discipline, as he resumed his reading.

A few heartbeats later the whispers returned, although quieter.

\- Since when he's back? - Oleg was one of Alan's minions, so it was safe for him to ask.

\- For some time.

\- Days? Weeks?

\- Why are you so curious? It doesn't concern you anyway, Oleg. You got any expectations? - Alan grimaced. - Don't.

Zach couldn't see Oleg's expression, as he was standing behind him, however he was sure Oleg is rolling his eyes right now. It was almost universal reaction on dealing with Alan, his henchmen included.

\- I mean, isn't it obvious - Alan continued - that he came here today?

\- One can almost think that he came to visit you, personally. - Terry sighed. He was usually as tired of Alan's bullshit as Zach, but rarely acted on it. Today Alan was especially obnoxious though.

\- I'm not saying… I know he's visiting the old place, ok? But he looks happy to see me.

Zach risked another quick look on Sean. He was good at reading faces, yet he found no sign of emotion there, happy or not. He wasn't even sure the man blinks. It was unnerving.

They weren't visited. They were observed.

\- And why would he do that. - Terry's voice was flat; it wasn't even a question, yet Alan didn't care.

\- Because we know each other, stupid.

\- You were literally six when he left, but sure. You two were best friends.

There was muffled snicker here and there. Zach smirked; having an insider's knowledge often helped to counter Alan's nonsense. Perhaps it was one of the reasons Zach was Alan's favourite target - he rarely could tell what was a fact, and what merely an Alan's ego trip.

\- Pfh! Don't act like you don't know what it means that he's back.

The students went quiet. Apparently, they knew.

And Zach, of course, didn't.

That the war is ending? They're saying that he was at the front, so, the Army wouldn't send him away if they'd still need him, right? Unless he's injured, perhaps? But he's not looking sick or anything. So the war then. But why should the students care? It's not like it concerns them; it was not their war yet. Did we even won?

(There's always a war somewhere, the Masters were saying. They'll get their share.)

And then the another thought: if the war is ending, more Mancers will come back. More familiar faces. Among them probably some of his colleagues' moms and dads. Some, probably, won't.

_Oh._

\- And you're thinking it's gonna be you, huh? - Terry replied.

_What?_

\- Of course it's gonna be me. Are you stupid? Who else?

Terry shrugged.

\- There's dozen of us here, Alan.

\- Eleven. I mean, don't count the Rogue; we all know the Masters are keeping it here just for a research purposes, to know when this one will finally blow itself up. Not like it has any chance of becoming an apprentice.

Zach clenched his fingers around the light bulb. The metal crunched.

\- Whatever you say, Alan. - Another shrug. Terry was as tired of the Alan's bullshit as Zach was, true, but it didn't meant that he'd stand up for him. When things got heated up, Zach was on his own.

But right now it didn't really matter; what did was that apparently, Zach got all of this wrong. It was a hazard of figuring things out by himself - he could miss the context obvious to everybody else. No way of avoiding it, really, if he didn't want to actually ask the question. And this always came up with its own set of hazards.

At least nobody caught him on this misunderstanding.

So it was all about one of them becoming an apprentice? He knew it's a part of their training process - to get your own teacher, whom you'll spend your senior years in the Academy with, learning all the advanced stuff. But how it's happening and when - he had no idea. Perhaps if he had any friends among the older students… but he didn't. Among the younger neither. Damn, he barely talked with the ones in his group.

\- And of all true technomancers here I have the best chances. - Alan was so puffy he looked like he's about to float away. - My father has promised me he'll find me the best teacher.

\- He can do that? - It was little Siobhan from the second row. She broke her bulb some time ago and now was jumping on one leg to pass the time. - My mother never mentioned…

\- Perhaps she can't. But my father can. He's a Commandant.

Whatever that meant. Military ranks were an uncharted territory for Zach.

\- My mother is a Commandant too. - Added Oleg. - And my father's Captain.

Are they going to outdo themselves with their parents' ranks now? _Oh for the everloving fuck._ Zach rolled his eyes.

_My mother was a thief and my father was a hooker… or the other way around._ It was almost tempting to say it out loud, just to see the look on their faces. But he wouldn't do it, obviously; drawing attention to himself was the last thing he ever wanted, and he wouldn't dare making a scene in front of that man on the gallery. Besides, it'd be only a guess. He didn't really knew what his parents were doing for a living.

So he focused on his light bulb, on breathing deep and slow; calmly. Should he lost his focus now and break his device, Alan would know it was because of his words. He won't give him this satisfaction.

There was enough fluid in him to keep the light on for some time, should he keep the current nice and steady. Just… distance himself from all of it, let his thoughts float for a while...

He should practice his combat stances, the gym should be empty tonight, he had a lot to catch up to

(A Lot)

sneaking out shouldn't be a problem… maybe he could do some reading as well? The Great Master's office should be empty too.

(the lock there is shit, he should report this to Master Connor, Zach could unlock it with a toothpick, but he still need the access to all the books there, so not yet)

Then suddenly - a memory.

_...don't laugh, they'll hear us..._

And here it was - the face, just in front of his eyes. The smile. The laughter. It was all familiar, in his mind _,_ and yet if he tried to describe it - he couldn't. What's the colour of it's hair? The eyes? The shape of the nose, the jaw, the chin? He couldn't tell; words were fleeing from him like a flock of frightened birds. Whose face it was?

(it was _dear to him)_

One time Zach had learnt that one can lose a limb and still feel pain in it. He was wondering - is it possible something exactly opposite: to be whole, yet feel like you'd lost something? A reverse phantom pain?

\- And do you know, Zach?

He flinched, brought back to reality. The training hall. The light bulb. Terry on the right, looking at him.

\- Do I know what?

\- Are you even with us, Zach? - he seemed slightly annoyed. Zach gave him apologetic smile. - How one can become an apprentice?

Zach took a deep breath, feeling his throat was clenched. He didn't want to seem distressed.

\- How? - he asked, but the voice was far from natural. And too loud.

_Fuck!_

(he remembered swears well enough, of all the things)

\- It's none of your concern, Zachariah. - Master Melvin said, not looking away from his book. - Would you all kindly focus on your task?

Zach felt his heart racing. Of course he has to be the one called out. Oh, Alan is going to fucking burst.

\- A technomancer shouldn't ask questions... - Alan delivered, as expected. - ...as it makes him look like moron for not knowing this thing already.

Alan had a long list of things which a technomancer shouldn't do. By a strange coincidence, it exactly matched all the things that Zach was currently doing. 

Normally he'd let it be, but the strange flashback made him little lightheaded. And today's point was mind-bogglingly stupid, even by Alan's standards.

\- Then how is he supposed to learn? - He whispered. - Through wishing for it very hard?

\- Look at it talking! By listening to your betters, scum. You should try it.

\- And how he can make his betters talk about the things he want to learn? One would need some mind-control powers…

\- And yet you're yapping. - Alan snapped, visibly upset. - You know all about not knowing shit, don't you?

\- Alan… you're not making any sense. - Zach would throw his hands up, weren't both of them occupied. - We're in school.

\- Should you be born here, mongrel, you'd know all about it too. As it is, it's not meant for you.

\- I hadn't been born here either. - Sarah broke in from the front row. She had came to the Academia months ago, from some small outpost in the east. - Back there it'd be my mom who'd teach me, but she died. So I don't know.

At least Alan had enough decency to not enlighten her about how a technomancer should deal with a loss of their parent. Not like Zach could offer her any guidance on this, although, in some way, he had lost his parents too. There was a hole in the shape of them in the place where memories should be. Were they always gone? Had he forgotten them as well? But as for dealing with it - he simply didn't. There was no memories and no emotions. Sarah was surely doing better than that. She was the best one in the group.

\- But you're so smart - She continued. - I bet no one around knows as much about how things are working here as you do.

\- Well, I know a thing or two, yes. - If Alan's light bulb was powered by pride alone, it'd blind the Sun itself.

_He's buying it. Unbelievable._

\- Then how is it happening? How does a student become an apprentice?

Zach lent an ear, trying to look as if he didn't.

\- Well, he or she is personally chosen by the Master, or soon-to-be Master, as in this case. Handpicked, if you will. Based, of course, on their lineage…

_of fuckin' course_

-...but also their grades, performance on tests, opinions of the other Masters… and the observation. Like today.

\- Looks like we don't have much to say, do we? Thank you, Alan, you really know a lot!

\- You're welcome. - He muttered and drooped his head. He seemed… abashed?

And as Zach was wondering that this day couldn't get any stranger, Sarah looked back at him and winked.

He almost dropped his light bulb.

Zach drooped his head as well; his face must have been red as the Dowser's collar. His heart was pounding, thoughts racing through his mind. Should he wink back? Wave at her? He couldn't with his left hand, kept behind his back, and to wave with the one holding the light bulb would look stupid. Maybe just smile?

He smiled. But she probably didn't see that, as his head was still low. Oh well.

_I'm going to avoid her forever now._

He risked to raise his head; thankfully, she didn't look at him anymore. In fact, she looked at the man on the gallery.

And it hit him. It wasn't an aid. It was self-promotion, to show this man that she can turn the situation to her benefit, get the information she needs. That she's the best one here.

Zach felt something bitter raising in his throat, his lower lip trembling. Of course it wasn't. Of course. Of…

_...who would ever want you? They barely know you. They tolerate you. You're just a damaged goods.You don't belong here. Nothing but trouble. Nothing but…_

The light bulb blinked.

Zach clenched his hand desperately, gazing at it as if he'd make it shine longer by his willpower alone. The electricity was -

_too much too much too much_

It was racing through him, breaking out in sharp, painful spasms. He clenched his jaw, trying not to whine.

_you'll break the fuckin' light bulb_

Must keep it steady. Must breathe. Focus.

_Alan will know_

It blinked again.

_nonononono_

_everybody will know. They'll throw me out. I'm gonna get back to the Slums_

He blinked furiously, feeling his eyes tearing up from staring directly into the light. He looked away. Then above.

Sean was looking right at him.

Zach didn't even know how he knew - the man wasn't turned towards him. He didn't move an inch. But Zach was sure.

_he knows it too_

_he knows you're a trouble_

_a fraud_

_you don't belong here_

It was over.

And he felt empty. Drained. Hollow.

And the light bulb went out.

And there was clapping.

\- Now that was something. A nice job indeed, Zach.

It was Master Melvin, standing with his book under his arm, still clapping. Looking right at Zach.

\- And even without breaking the poor light bulb. Looks like we have our winner.

Zach looked around, seeing the other students looking back at him. Some were smiling. How on Earth…

\- Now, I salute your concentration, young man, but focusing on your task so much as to lose your contact with the whole world might be dangerous. - Master patted him on the shoulder. - You can stand straight now, the task is finished; we're waiting just for you now.

Zach gave him the device back and stretched his other leg; it was nearly numb. The other students were doing the same, sitting or walking, trying to massage tensed muscles out. It was over.

And he won. He really won. A strange feeling.

At the corner of his eye he saw Sarah giving him thumbs up. He was still little confused, so he smiled at her. She smiled back.

What a day.

\- You ok? You're looking dazed. - It was Terry.

\- Just stiff.

He felt high. And didn't even know, how he knew how that feels like.

\- Now, everybody's all right? No dizziness? Palpitations? - Master Melvin looked around. Zach, still dizzy, shook his head with the others. - That's nice. That'll be all for today, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You're free to enjoy your supper.

\- Thank you, Master Melvin. - They replied.

Slowly, they began to gather, forming the line near the exit.

\- And, just so you wouldn't run around passing the nonsense on... - Master Melvin added - ...the choice of new apprentices is the prerogative of the Great Master and the Great Master alone, Alan. Should anyone be his counsellor on this matter, it'd be Headmaster Connor, not any of your parents. Whoever would they be.

\- I… someone misled me, Master. - Even Alan wasn't so full of himself to argue with the teacher. But someone will answer for this, that was sure. Even if Alan has made it up himself.

\- It happens. - Master Melvin was feeling lenient today, apparently. - But you mustn't try to pass as an expert in the matters you know very little about. You still have much to learn.

\- Yes, Master.

The look Alan send to Zach left no doubt as for who will feel sorry for this. But Zach didn't care.

\- Looks like _chuja wiesz_ , Alan. - he whispered.

Alan's wide eyes were the best reward.

\- What's that supposed to mean, Rogue? What garbage dialect is that?

\- Technomancer shouldn't ask questions.

The punch was too predictable; Zach jumped back, avoiding it, and moved to the end of the line. Better put a few students between him and Alan for now. Zach could wait for his supper a little longer.

Then, without knowing why, he looked up once more. And smiled; Master Connor came to the gallery too, and it was good to see him. The two men exchanged a few quiet words. But when Master Connor reached to touch his shoulder, Sean left.

Something was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...or "How to power through your surge by the sheer force of your anxiety", a book by Zachariah Rogue.  
>  Master Melvin isn't a very good teacher ;D Leave the poor man alone, he just wants to read. Alan is still the worst.  
> As for the ranks - usually the one tier below a colonel (I doubt any of them could outrank the Grandmaster) is a major, but it seems that in Abundance it functions as a family name of the officers' caste, and I doubt they'd want a "major Ivan Major" situation to happen. So I used a Commandant in its place, as it's roughly the same.  
> Also many thanks to the Discord (and Salmaka Scribe in particular :*) for the headcanon of Andrew and Zach sneaking in to the Chapel's office to read some books.  
> Also many thanks to the Discord folk, as always. You're awesome.


	3. Reaching out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach is very, very quiet, so the others would forget his existence... until he isn't.
> 
> Be prepared for angst and some heavy themes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

> I’m looking down and my heart’s connected
> 
> I’m feeling love from a different view
> 
> We learn the most when we least expect it
> 
> We learn the most when we break in two
> 
>  
> 
> You look beautiful undone
> 
> My boy of blue
> 
> It's the cracks that let the light shine through

Laura Doggett, "Beautiful Undone"

 

 

_~~later that evening~~_

 

 

Pipes are Rogue's best friends, Zach thought, jumping off a roof. The architects of Ophir, long dead and forgotten, would surely agree with him. Why else would they spread them everywhere like a giant, rusty bloodstream, if not for a brave individuals who needed to move through the town without being seen? One could make it all the way from the Source to the Slums without their feet touching the ground.

But Zach's plans for tonight weren't that ambitious; he just needed to get back to his dorm.

The corridors were off-limits - despite the late hour, he could still meet some overworked teacher on their way from the library, or a pair of older students smooching in dark corner. They'd want him to explain himself, what would be very unfortunate, as Zach really didn't like to lie. And lie he'd have to, as what he was doing tonight was forbidden.

The pipes then.

He was already pretty close to his destination; landing on the narrow metal pipe placed below, he started the last part of his route - to get from the western end of the dorm building to the eastern one, and then to the bottom; the common sleeping rooms of the younger students were on the lowest floor. He left the window open, so getting inside shouldn't be a problem, and even if someone closed it - the night was chilly - then opening it from the outside was easy enough. Just ten more minutes, fifteen top, and he'll be back in his bed. Nobody will even notice that he wasn't there all the time.

But for now he was very, very focused and very, very quiet. It wasn't his first time, second nor third, but he couldn't allow himself to feel too comfortable. The pipes were indeed ancient, and as every other relic they were whimsical and unpredictable. They could squeak. They could be slippery. They could bend or fall off the wall, sending Zach in a long - or rather very short - way down. It was the fifth floor. He'd really want to avoid that.

Unfortunately, there wasn't much to grip here, so he had to keep close to the wall, moving his feet step by step to the right. Just for a few meters; then he'll reach the windows and be able to hold himself on the windowsills. Until then, step by step. His feet didn't make any noise; his shoes were dangling from his neck, tied with the shoelaces. Trying to sneak out with his shoes on would be an amateur mistake, and Zach was long past that. Besides, it was easier to feel the surface of the pipes with his feet bare. One drawback - the metal was cold.

_two, actually, the socks will be dirty again_

But Zach was still quite heated up from the workout, so he didn't mind this much. He spent the last two hours at the gym. A good time.

_it's forbidden tho_

He knew he shouldn't, of course. The Masters were very strict about who and when could use the equipment there. Apparently, every instance of a student training without a supervision ended with said student falling down from something (the cases varied) and breaking their neck (this part was consistent). But Zach was cautious, and, could he say this himself, smart. No climbing, no jumping, no weightlifting. And he really needed that extra practice; how else could he catch up with his peers? And his damn right hand was acting up again.

The Great Master's office was a safer choice for sneaking out at night - the route was much simpler, although there was some rooftop climbing involved - and he had initially planned on that. But after all that happened this evening, he couldn't focus on reading - or anything involving thinking, really. What a day. Even Alan was so absorbed by a prospect of a new teacher that he postponed taking revenge on Zach. All students were excited.

_it'd be nice to have your own teacher_

It was just a thought, nothing more; whomever the Great Master is taking into consideration, Zach was sure that he's not on the list yet.

(at all)

He didn't mind, really. He was well aware of how much he still has to learn. There were better candidates, like Sarah. Or even - he could acknowledge this in his mind - Alan; despite all his fuckery, he was a good student. For now, to catch up with them, Zach just needed to train more.

Finally, the nearest window was within his reach. Zach grasped the metal windowsill firmly, but carefully; as everything else, the frame, moved, might make some noise. The hour was late, yet in some rooms lights were still on. Someone might want to check up. And Zach really didn't need an extra thing to worry about, as before him (or rather on the right) was this damned junction, that was squeaking every - fuckin' - time. He had to be especially careful now. He could make it nonetheless, he was sure of it; just have to move his weight very slowly, so the squeak would become much quieter, blend into the usual noise of the town. He could make it.

He slid his right foot on the junction. Then pressed it a little.

SQUEEEEEE!

Zach almost bit his tongue off.

But it wasn't the pipe, the noise was different. A rusty hinges. It was a door opened.

Someone entered the room above.

Zach glued himself to the wall, praying that this someone wouldn't want to look through the window. But there were only two steps, and the sound of door closed. And a voice.

\- You're avoiding me for hours, Sean. Talk to me.

It was Master Connor.

_Fuck!_

This room should be empty. It was always empty. Why all of a sudden...

_-_ Why are you sitting in the dark? - Master Connor asked. - May I turn the light on?

\- No. - A second voice.

Of course.

It's his room. Now he's back.

Zach felt a knot in his stomach; the very thought that Master Connor could catch him on sneaking out at night was terrifying

(he'd be disappointed)

but the idea of this other man finding him was, somehow, even worse.

_maybe they'll go somewhere else, maybe_

If he'd move his foot now, they'd hear him for sure. Zach took a slow breath, praying for both of them to go out. But it didn't look like it.

\- What do you want me to do to a child? - The second voice, a younger one. Must be Sean.

\- Not "to"; "with". "Together with". - Master Connor corrected cheerfully. - Teaching is difficult, I know, but...

\- I know nothing about things that child should know. - He didn't sound friendly.

A sigh.

\- May I sit?

There was no answer, but Master Connor apparently didn't wait for one. The next thing was a noise of a chair being moved.

\- You didn't came to eat with us, Sean. Did something happen? You're not feeling well?

A quiet, metallic click. A deep inhale.

\- I'm fine.

\- Your brothers were asking about you. They miss you.

\- I didn't feel like being in the center of attention.

Master Connor chuckled.

\- That's unlikely of you.

\- I'm sorry to disappoint you. But please, tell them they're free to gossip all the same.

\- Sean, it's not about… - Master sounded a bit defensive.

\- I've been looking like this for years, but here everyone is staring at me and asking about it. Just in case I'd manage to forget that I've turned grey.

\- ...They didn't see you so long, they're just curious…

\- Oh, it's a thrilling story, I assure you. I love being reminded of it.

_Oh._

And another thought: _You shouldn't be listening. It's not meant for you._

But Zach just clung closer to the wall.

\- …I'm a fool, Sean. - It was painful to hear regret in Master Connor's voice. - I'm so sorry. You shouldn't be beset by us. It's just… I'm so happy you returned that… I didn't think. I'm sorry.

\- You're all acting as if no time has passed for me. - Sean snapped. - As if I left a week ago, you're expecting me to be the same man you knew. Eight years, Connor. What did you expect? Who do you think I am?

\- You're still my brother, Sean. Whatever happened.

Another metal click, rustle, a deep, loud inhale. Purposely deep and loud.

_He's smoking_ , Zach gathered. _The sound was made by a cigarette case._

\- I can count on one hand the times when I saw one of my brothers, Connor. The northern front is wide; you can't even imagine how many people are there. But there's only a few of us, and the commanders are so careful and precise in keeping us from meeting each other. - A pause. - But Aurora has a plenty of her own, and is generous in using them. Do you know what it's like to look at someone like you and see them only as a threat? To feel the charge in the air and know, that somewhere there is not your brother, but your target? For eight years?

Master Connor was quiet.

\- Yet here you're everywhere. I can't stand it. I feel one of you and I just can't breathe, my muscles are tensing, my heart racing. I saw the kids training today and I just couldn't move, because I felt like if I did, I'd hurt some of them. Or maybe all.

_I knew something was wrong._

\- Sean, you wouldn't hurt a child.

\- I want to go back.

\- What? - Master Connor sounded confused.

\- I want to go back.

\- How? They say, the war is ending…

\- There's always a war somewhere.

\- You can't be serious, Sean. Why?

\- I don't belong here.

Master Connor sighed. He sounded frustrated.

\- It's your home, Sean, of course you belong here. Always will be…

\- Don't touch me.

\- Sean…

\- Don't.

A pause.

\- You said it's uncomfortable to you; forgive me. I won't.

No answer. A rustle, scratch of a chair on the floor.

\- Why do you want to return there? You were miserable, you just said that.

\- I am more miserable now. There I had a purpose.

\- You can get used to being with us again, I'm sure of it. It's not normal… what they did to you, Sean, it's not healthy. You can't live like that.

\- No one did anything to me.

\- They've created the situation where you're getting a fight or flight reaction on seeing one of your kind.

\- And you're still treating me like a victim. You're not listening. I want to go back.

\- But they don't want you back, Sean.

The cigarette case clicked again. Then, a deep inhale.

\- So you know. - Sean sounded tired.

\- I know nothing, that's the problem. The discharge note was more than vague. Just that you're supposedly unfit for the service. - Master Connor paused, but Sean remained silent. - I understand. No need to tell me if you don't want to.

\- If I told you… would you just pass it on to the others? So I don't have to repeat myself over and over again.

\- No, Sean, I'm going to tell them to mind their own business. As I should do from the start.

\- As you wish. - A long exhale. - I showed mercy, Connor. I hunted down a technomancer, as were my orders, but then, just this once, I let him go. So they got frightened that I broke. And I did, apparently. - A deep inhale. - I attacked my commanding officer.

_shit_

\- What did you…?

\- I don't know. It's blurry. - Another deep breath. - I remember screams. Pity; he was a good man.

It was a while until Master Connor spoke again.

\- Shadows, I can't even imagine what they did to you.

\- Good. You shouldn't be able to. - Suddenly there was a determination in Sean's voice. - So you understand, right? Now, let me go back. Tell them you don't want me either. Tell them I'm even more unsuitable for teaching. They'll grumble, but find me a place somewhere. There's always a shortage of mancers.

\- Sean, I can't do it.

\- No, but Ian can. - He was speaking fast, frantically. - Whatever he wants to do … Ian won't do anything against your will. _Please_.

\- Sean… Shadow have mercy, how can you demand from me something like that? After everything you told me?

\- You're not listening to me. I want to go back. - A pause. A short laughter, dry and bitter. - I played it all wrong. I should know better than to try appeal to the things that I _want._ This never was a part of the question, wasn't it, Master? Just shut up and obey. You have a lot in common; perhaps I'll find something familiar here after all.

\- You're saying this just to hurt me.

\- Is it working?

Zach clenched his teeth.

\- ...Yes.

\- Good. - Satisfaction in his voice. - Now leave. I'll report to you in the morning. - He was compelling now; commanding.

_I'd obey to anything spoken with that tone._

(disturbing)

But Master Connor wasn't him.

\- No.

A sudden whack!, so unexpected that Zach almost screamed. Something hard hit the wall and fell on the floor, clattering.

In the silence that followed Zach heard only his own heart, trying to jump out of his chest. _Calm now. Breathe_. He managed to even his breath before the men spoke again.

\- I knew you wouldn't hit me. - Master Connor said, at ease, as if he'd comment on a weather. - But it was a close shave. You have a good aim; in this darkness, no less.

Sean didn't answer. Zach heard only a rustle, as if someone shifted on their seat. Then the silence again.

He tightened his grip; his hands were sweaty. He didn't dare to move his feet, now stiff from the chilly air. In this quietness they'd hear him with ease. They could probably hear him breathing, weren't they so focused on each other.

\- I know what you're all thinking. - Sean broke the silence; his voice was distant, flat. - Poor Sean, always so dramatic. But it couldn't be that bad? Why can't he just suck it up like we all do? He has to make a scene, like always.

\- Nobody is thinking that... - Master Connor denied gently.

\- Not with you around, perhaps.

\- Then I'll just always be around. I won't leave you, Sean.

\- Aurorans are using children in the warfare. - Sean whispered. - Just a little older than those you showed me. Did you know? - A stifled gasp escaped Master Connor's mouth, but he remained silent. - I've tried to be decent, but in the war you can't.

Zach pressed his cheek against the wall, still warm from his breath. He wanted to disappear. He wanted...

(you shouldn't be here)

-Sean… brother, I'm so, so sorry. I had no idea. I would never ask you… - Master's voice almost broke. - I'm so ashamed.

The other man didn't answer. Perhaps there was nothing more to say.

\- I deserve your anger. - Master Connor continued, his voice barely louder than whisper. - I caused you pain; not on purpose, but that don't matter. I was so afraid of something happening to you… Every time Ian was receiving a note from the Headquarters, I feared the worst. And when you finally returned, safe and sound… I saw only what I wanted to see. As if by acting like nothing happened I could make it so. I should know better.

_It never helps._

\- It doesn't matter now. - Sean's voice was emotionless.

\- It does. Whatever happened back there… You're not irredeemable. I'm not saying this to absolve you of your guilt; Shadow knows I have my own guilt to carry. - Master sighed. - My student died because of me.

_What?_

\- He was only a child, the most gifted boy I've ever seen. But I failed as a teacher. He hurt people. And I handed him over, so he'd be someone else's worry. Like a coward, I took the easy way out, and because of me he's dead now. And there's no day that I won't regret the choice that I made. It's the shame I must now life with, because doing anything else would be an insult to his memory. And I will never again give up on one of us - not on Alan, not on Zach. And not on you.

Zach almost lost his grip, hearing his own name called out. He moved his hands a little, as the sweat made them slippery.

_I shouldn't be hearing this._

\- And you must understand... - Master Connor continued. - ...it's not a punishment, nor a burden. It's a promise. I won't leave you. - That noise, a little hum he was always making when he was about to do something funny. Unwittingly, Zach's lips twitched in smile. - A day may come when I feel that I just can't care anymore, that this is too much, and you're on your own. But this is not this day.

A surprised gasp.

\- Did you… - Sean started incredulously. - ...you're just quoting this fucking film. How can I even deal with you. - He burst into laughter. Or into tears. Probably both

\- I've always knew how to make you laugh. See? Still working. - There was fondness in Connor's voice, a warmth that made Zach smile even more. - It's still you.

\- I…

\- Shhhhh… it's fine. I can only imagine how hard it is for you, but you will get better. You're not broken, just ill. Coming to terms with this fact is hard; believe me, I know. I will get you any help you'll need.

Zach felt happy, even though the whole affair literally didn't involve him. But now, as the tension finally faded, the risk of someone coming to the window was even higher; Zach really should go.

_You should be going hours ago._

And with the quiet sobbing

(poor man)

still audible, there was a chance that Master Connor will be too focused on Sean to hear him moving. If he'd be really, really slow… Not that he could walk fast; his feet were almost frozen.

Zach took a deep breath.

He slid his right foot a little bit to the right. Then the left one. Good! Not a sound. And again… Now to let go of the windowsill…

Crack!

It was his joint. His own fucking right wrist.

(motherf…)

He squeaked, grabbed by his collar and dragged inside. Master Connor was _fast_ , if he wanted to.

\- Zach! - He shouted, indignant.

\- I'm sorry!

The light went on. Zach, blinded, had to cover his eyes with his forearm.

\- How long you've been there? - And then, even before Zach had a chance to reply. - It's a fifth floor! You could fall down!

Sean chuckled.

\- I'm so sorry, Master. - Zach repeated, feeling his face burning. Shadow, he must be red as the Abundance's banner. "Embarrassment" didn't even start to express this. - I didn't mean to, I shouldn't be here, I'm sorry...

\- And what happened to your shoes?

Zach looked down, on the shoes dangling from his neck.

_I'm in socks. First time I meet Sean, and I'm wearing only socks._

Would Mars open itself and swallowed him up, Zach would be grateful.

Feeling utterly miserable, he took the shoes off. Was he supposed to put them on? Leave them on the floor? But it wasn't his room; would that be impolite? Unable to decide, he was simply holding them in his hand.

\- It's quieter this way… - he murmured.

\- You've been sneaking out again. - Master Connor sighed, resigned. - Into the office.

Zach almost dropped the shoes.

_He knows?!_

Master Connor must've seen his surprise, because he send him a slightest smile.

\- Oh, come on, Zach, give me some credit… Why, do you think, the lock there is so poor?

_Oh._

Spending so much time inside his own head, it sometimes came as a surprise when people around Zach turned out to have an observations and conclusions of their own. And here he was, thinking that he's so sneaky.

\- Kids. - Master Connor sighed. - The second you leave a book where kids shouldn't have the access to, it magically becomes the most interesting thing ever. Well, at least this way I can make you all read something.

_But I wasn't in the office…_

It was almost a lie, to let Master Connor believe that he guessed it right when he didn't… And lying to him was unthinkable, no matter the circumstances. But if Zach'll say that he was in the gym, Master could be even more disappointed

(oh no)

and maybe will make it harder for him to get in there next time?

(he will be angry at me)

But how else could Zach catch up to his peers? Maybe Master Connor will understand… And if he'll figure the truth out on his own, it'll be even worse.

He took a breath.

\- Master, I...

\- He wasn't in the office. - Sean interrupted. Zach blinked, surprised. - There's no sensible route from there to the dorms leading through my window.

\- You should know all about it. - Master Connor sighted, his smile now wider. _I'm probably not the only one who was causing him such problems_. Then his eyes turned to Zach again. - Then where?

Yet again Sean spoke before Zach had a chance to.

\- Leave the boy his secrets, Connor. He needs something of his own. Now, I'm aware that he knows all about me already… - He smirked. - ...but this hardly counts as a proper introduction. Would you kindly?

\- Oh right, we wouldn't want to be impolite…

_they're just making fun of me_

(I deserve it)

\- ...Sean, this is Zachariah, my student, and apparently a spider as well. Zachariah, this is Sean Mancer, my former student.

\- Commander of the Sixth Separate Anti-Tech Company, Capitan Sean Mancer, reporting for duty. - He made a careless salute. - The more words you'll put around your name, the more important you'll seem to be. Just an advice, from one student to another.

He smiled. He had a nice smile.

_He's cool._

\- Now, you must excuse me for not shaking your hand, as is the custom. It's rather difficult to me.

\- No problem. - Zach replied, deciding that "I heard" wasn't the most fortunate thing to say. - Nice to meet you. - And then, reminding himself that he's speaking with someone far older than him, he added. - Sir.

It was easy to forget, once you'd get pass the colour of his hair - he looked far younger than Zach would imagine, judging by his earlier impression. Sean's eyes still were a little red; his cheeks wet from tears, which he - for whatever reason - didn't wipe off.

Sean leaned a little in his chair and tilted his head, and something else caught Zach's eye. The dark lines on Sean's temples weren't an implant - it was a tattoo, an intricate pattern of lines and dots. An electrical circuit.

Something inside Zach fluttered.

_He's so cool._

\- You like it? - Sean's smile widened, and Zach felt that he's blushing again. He nodded nonetheless. - Watch this. - He moved his hands over his head; Zach felt the static in the air. Sean's hair raised up; what was the short mohawk before now turned into a two inches high crest.

_So fucking cool._

\- Just a little trick. - Sean said. - You seem to have enough of your own, seeing how you just climbed your way through here, in the dark, without making a single noise.

_As if this could ever compare?_

\- Oh no, that's… just something I do. It's nothing, really.

\- Zach, you are too modest. - Master Connor interjected. - Not that I'd want to watch you hang in from the fifth floor ever again, but it is impressive.

\- Don't ever sell yourself short, Zachariah. - Sean added. - Others will never fail to do that for you. But you know that already, don't you?

"How would you know" and "it's not that bad" fought on the tip of Zach's tongue, until none of them were spoken. But Sean apparently didn't need him to answer.

\- I was watching you today. Rumours were swirling around you, but none touched you; the lost boy, trying to be very, very quiet and very, very nice, so maybe they'll forget his existence. And he has to be good, as a single failure would meant that he's not worthy. You are that Rogue boy, aren't you? You don't really belong here.

Zach's heart sunk in his chest.

_There. Someone finally said it._

\- It's fine, Zachariah… - Sean continued. - ...I don't belong here either. Yet as the pesky, stubborn old man here won't let us simply lie down and disappear, we just have to carve a place here for ourselves.

Zach was just staring at him.

Someone - _he_ \- just said it, as if it was the most ordinary thing under the Sun. As if there was no shame in it. As if this wasn't the

(reason to cast you out)

sign that he's worthless.

You're not like the rest of them. That's fine.

Zach felt as if the whole world shifted.

\- I would phrase this differently… - Master Connor shook his head. - ...but I agree: neither of you are going anywhere. Well, not literally, as the young man here has his own bed he soon should be going to.

_No! Not yet!_

Mortified by his own insubordination, Zach ignored Master's suggestion and turned to Sean.

\- How did you know all this...sir?

\- Part of my task was to find the weak spots. - He shrugged. - Group dynamics is mostly the same everywhere.

\- So, who is our weak spot?

_Me._

\- Why won't you tell me? - Sean tilted his head. - Who should be removed from your group, so you can make everyone else do whatever you want?

_Alan. Then everyone will be grateful._

But it probably wasn't the answer Sean expected, and Zach didn't want to make fun of one of the students in front of the grownups; it was one of the things one simply mustn't do. Besides, he didn't think it was the right answer; not if you define a weak point this way. It's more of a most valuable person around.

_So, Sarah._

And then his mind took a step forward.

_It's Master Melvin. Sean spoke about hunting down Technomancers specifically._

It sounded… logical. Without him, all the students would be on his - whoever would he be - mercy. It wasn't a pleasant thought.

He spoke it out loud nonetheless.

\- I think it's Master Melvin.

\- I like the way you're thinking… - Sean nodded, and Zach beamed a little. - ...and even more I like the way you're not. It's not Melvin; you'd barely notice that he's gone. - He looked at Master Connor. - It's you.

_Oh._

\- Should I lock myself in a bunker then? - Old Master chuckled, embarrassed. - If I'm so valuable…

He tried to turn this into a joke, it was obvious. But Sean's mind was already elsewhere.

\- I said that there's more technomancers in Aurora, but that's only a part of the picture. The true ones, trained ones, are not that common and are heavily guarded. You have to pluck them out, and the rest will crumble. But for every true technomancer are three... - He tapped his fingers on the table, as if searching for something that should be near the ashtray, but found nothing. - They're picking up kids with even slightest talent, the ones you wouldn't even consider teaching. And they're not teaching them either. - He was still looking at Master Connor, but Zach doubted if he saw him. - They're hooking them up on focus drugs, and stuffing their bodies with wires and their heads with religious nonsense. That they were chosen by the Shadow, to cleanse Mars of the corruption. The Innocents, they're calling them. But we called them Puffballs - just poke it and it blows up.

\- Sean… - There was worry in Master Connor's voice.

\- And you can't reason with them, can't take them as POW, because nobody wants them back. Only thing I could do is to shoot them down before they'd get too close to my soldiers. - Sean moved his gaze to Zach. - They are only humans, but they are mine, and I am a proud man.

\- I… - What was he supposed to say? What one could even say to something like this? - I'm sorry. That's fucked up.

\- Sean, look at me. - Master Connor spoke calmly, as if

_Master Connor is here you idiot! You just cursed in front of him!_

(oh no)

as if he didn't hear Zach at all. - Look at me. It's fine now. You're home.

Sean made a sharp inhale.

\- Fuck… - He moved his hand over his face. - Forgive me. I scared you.

\- There's no need to apologise.

Zach nodded, as it was his feeling as well. He didn't feel disturbed. Rather sad.

_He's not scary. Just ill._

Feeling that if he was in Sean's place, he'd appreciate not being stared at right now, Zach looked down. On his feet in (rather dirty) socks.

_Shadows, the bloody shoes._

As nobody was looking at him right now, Zach crouched down to finally put them on. Wrestling with the laces, he saw a small shiny object on the floor near Master Connor's chair. The cigarette case. Zach picked it up and stood tall.

It was open, the (few) cigarettes scattered over the floor, with only one remaining. Zach closed it carefully. The thing was well-made, light and smooth, but one corner was dented. Zach's gaze moved to the wall behind Master Connor's chair, to the chip right next to his head. Something flaked a piece of plaster out.

_Damn._

\- Uhm… I think it's yours? - At first Zach wanted to just give it back, but then reminded himself that this piece was made of metal. Passing it over from one mancer to another will surely cause a spark to jump over. He just put the case on the desk. Both Sean and Master Connor looked at him, so he added, as if some explanation was needed. - I found it.

\- Thank you. - Sean said and looked away. He seemed miserable.

_Of course he's miserable. Say something._

\- Um… - _Great start_. - No need to be sorry. I know I shouldn't be hearing this, but then I shouldn't even be here in the first place, and I'm happy I am. - Sean glanced at him again and Zach felt a sudden rush of energy. _He's listening! Don't ramble._ \- No one's talking to us about these things, and… we should know, right? And it's not like we're all innocent here. I mean, I grew up in the Slums. I've seen people killed before. It's just… I don't know.

_And now you're rambling._

Sean was just staring at him, his eyes wide open. Then he turned to Master Connor.

\- He's trying to console me. - He said disbelievingly.

\- Zach is kind. - Connor replied. Zach felt a bit embarrassed; not the word he'd use to describe himself, but the praise felt good. - I imagine it was a rare thing where you came from.

\- One could say that.

\- So I have a lot to catch up to. - Master Connor declared briskly. - Nothing but kindness from now on. You're going to miss the times when I yelled at you.

\- But you didn't yell at me at all. - Sean's lips twitched in smile. - Maybe you should have.

\- I really don't think it would have worked.

\- Yeah, me neither.

Sean took his cigarette case and toyed with it for a moment, sliding his thumb over the dented surface.

\- Thank you again, Zachariah. And forgive me all this; I wish we'd meet in different circumstances.

\- It's nothing. I really shouldn't complain. - Zach smiled. - I mean, I brought this on myself, really.

\- You brought me upon yourself? - Sean chuckled. - Dear boy, you're doomed.

He opened the case and picked the last cigarette out. Zach began to wonder, if Sean has also a lighter to match the case, but as it turned out, he didn't need one. He lighted it from the electric charge passing between his fingers.

_Oh god. It's so cool._

_why aren't they teaching us this stuff? Who cares about stupid lightbulbs?_

(I want to know how to do it and I don't even smoke)

\- Do you want to be my teacher? - The words jumped out of Zach's lips, unplanned and unthinked about. He froze, his hand halfway through to cover his mouth.

_really? after everything you just heard?_

_is a student even allowed to ask about this thing?_

(technomancer shouldn't ask questions)

Both Sean and Master Connor were looking at him now. Zach felt urged to explain himself.

\- I mean, not right now, I know that you're not… that you need some time, and it's good, I still have a lot to catch up on, so… I don't mind. And I heard... - There was no point to pretend now. - ...you spoke that you're broken. But I'm broken too. - He pointed at his face, his scars. - So it's fine. And I don't know who you used to be, before… all this, before the war, so, I wouldn't judge you. I know I'm not anything special. There are better students than me. - He felt that his voice began to break, so he toned it down to a whisper. -  It's just… I think it would be nice. - He shrugged. It was stupid, he's just making a fool of himself. He pointed at the cigarette in Sean's hand. - I'd want to be able to do that too.

He heard Sean exhaling; a cloud of smoke surrounded him soon after. The smell was sharp, biting.

_just don't cough_

Trying to not look at any of the adults, Zach felt his eyes tearing up.

_don't cough you're not a child anymore_

Then he coughed.

\- Well then, no more of this. - Sean stubbed the cigarette out, and then toss the ashtray into the trashcan, rising a cloud of dust and ash. The cigarette case followed, clanking at the bottom of the can.

The Rogue in Zach wept at the sight

_it was nice, valuable_

still he welcomed the lack of smoke.

\- That's so you, Sean. - Master Connor nodded. - It's a good start. Zach, do you need a handkerchief?

\- No… - He replied, wiping his eyes off with his sleeve.

\- Now, should anyone ask me... - Master Connor continued, very deliberately not looking at his former student. - ...which I know wouldn't happen… I'd say it's a very good idea. I know that learning with the other students isn't suiting you very well, Zach. I had put you in this group so you wouldn't spend your time with the adults alone, but it's not working, right? - Zach nodded. No point in denying it. - You're suffocating. I've thought about this for some time, but frankly, I had no teacher to spare. There's Melvin…

\- Melvin. - Sean's lips thinned into a straight line. - We need to talk about Melvin.

\- We will. - Master sighed. - The point is, I'd be happy to make Zach an apprentice already. Should someone ask me.

Zach couldn't believe his ears. Is this… possible?

He glanced at Sean and saw that the man was looking at him already. Zach started to regret that he's not holding these shoes anymore; now he didn't know what to do with his hands.

\- Will you wait for me? - Sean asked. - I don't know how long it will take.

\- I… - Is this really happening? Does Sean really want him? - Sure. However long it'll take. - He nodded for better effect.

\- Then, I guess, it's a promise. I will take care of you. Perhaps we will find a place for ourselves after all.

_Yes!_

Sean stood up and came from behind the desk. He reached his hand out. Zach touched it gently.

A sparkle jumped.

He felt Sean's fingers twitching. Nothing more; Sean's hand closed around his own. It was warm; strong.

_I'll be a good student. The best. You'll see. I won't disappoint you._

(it felt so good)

_I'll make you proud._

\- We will. - Zach said.

Sean's smile was hopeful.

Everything's going to be fine.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...or that one time Sean couldn't just speak his mind. I'm not blaming him.
> 
> The "I've tried to be decent, but in the war you can't." line is, in fact, a quote of a war veteran, in my own lame translation. It comes from a book named "Zinky Boys", Svetlana Alexievich's reportage about the Soviet-Afghan War. The phrase just stuck with me (as well as rest of the book). I wholeheartedly recommend this book (as well as the rest of her work), but mind you, it's disturbing.  
> Now, for the bright side - Connor is a giant nerd. :D And he just really like Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn, because let's face it, who don't. :) And there's nothing like quoting 200-years-old memes to disarm your student.  
> Not featured in this chapter, because it became too long already:  
> \- the moment when Zach realizes that it's all well and happy, but he'll still be punished for sneaking out at night and impersonating a spider,  
> \- the moment when Sean pleads to Connor to let it slide, as participating in his drama was probably damaging enough already,  
> \- the moment when Connor agrees, but makes Zach swear to him that he won't do it ever again,  
> \- the moment when Connor decides to send someone to examine all the pipes anyway, because some other little dumbass might get the same idea, and fall down, and break their neck  
> \- and the moment when after letting Sean finally get some sleep, Connor decides to personally escort Zach back to his bed, because this way he might embarrass him for a little longer. And tell him how proud of his he is. Zach can't sleep that night. ;)  
> Also, I took some creative liberty with Sean's haircut ;) But It's happening about 10 years prior to the beginning of the game, and I just don't think he'd have the same hair for all that time. :)  
> Also, now Alan is really going to burst.  
> Also, why no one corrected me that the scars are on the right side of Zach's face D: If you find any mistake, please, let me know :*
> 
> Thanks for reading! :* :* :*


	4. Appendix: About all things broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Master Connor heard that you consider yourself broken and he will have none of this shit.
> 
> ...or an unplanned chapter, to help you recover from the previous one.

 

 

Everything would have been different just a week ago.

A week ago, should Zach hear that Master Connor wishes to see him after the classes, he'd… well, he wouldn't panic; he'd run in his mind a simulation of every imaginable reason of such wish (they'd all be bad) and the outcome the meeting would cause (even worse). Was one of the Masters disappointed of his performance during training?

_ I should practice more _

Was Alan trying to frame him for some of his fuckery?

_ you never know with Alan, he just keeps on trying to ruin everything _

Did he fail some test so miserably, that the Headmaster himself felt the need to talk to him?

_ I should _

Of course, there'd also be the tiny voice, like a splinter in his brain, irritating and painful.

(they're going to expel you)

A week ago some part of Zach was willing to believe it.

Now, things were different.

Now, Zach was excited.

Now, Master Connor and he were like a partners in crime, sharing a secret.

Because a secret it was; all three of them had decided (it was nice of them to count his voice as well, he thought) that Zach's apprenticeship will not be publicly announced, not until both he and Sean will be ready. It was mostly to avoid putting more pressure on Sean; Zach understood that and he didn't mind. There was no need for a rush. He promised that he will wait.

So officially they've all been told to mind their own business; of course Master Connor had phrased this more politely, as he had gathered all the students in the dining hall to cut off the speculations, yet the message was clear. Oh, Alan was furious. But, as every other wave of rumours that ran through the school, so this one came and passed; a week later things were back to normal. 

Except no more night escapades for Zach; he promised that too. But, as technically it was the climbing that was banned, not sneaking out, maybe he could make it on the ground? He needed more time to work the details of the new route out… It was possible; at least the office. He didn't want to try his luck with the gym.

At least he had something to think about in his spare time. Like now, as he walked through the quiet corridors of the administrative wing. Not many people here; the hour was late and whoever could, was in the dining hall already, enjoying their supper. Or whatever else adults do after work.

Master Connor, for instance, was waiting for him.

\- Zach! You're right on time.

\- Good evening, Master. - It was difficult to hide his enthusiasm, but Zach was trying. 

\- I'm happy you arrived. I want to show you something. 

Trying to not explode from curiosity, Zach followed him outside, back through the maze of the corridors and stairs. 

"What it's all about" isn't the best way to start a conversation, when it clearly means to be a surprise, he decided, trying to remember the route. "How was your day, Master"? Boring. So...

He cleared his throat.

\- So… how is he feeling?

\- Sean? Better now. He shaved his head.

\- What? Why?

\- Now every time somebody asks about his hair, he replies that he was tired of people asking about his hair. - Master Connor chuckled. - So he's more like himself. The downside is, now he threatens me with growing a beard.

Zach couldn't help but smile.

\- What's wrong with that?

\- Nothing; I'm happy for him, enjoying his newly found bodily autonomy. But as he considers me a man with a poor taste, the more I complain, the more pleased he is. - His smirk was mischievous. - I certainly prefer a beard than another tattoo.

\- I like that tattoo. 

Master Connor patted him on the shoulder.

\- Of course you do. You two will make a fine team. He asks a lot about you.

\- He does?

\- He's curious. I think you impressed him.

\- Huh. - What it is to know about him, beside of being a Rogue? Only the accident, perhaps. - What did you tell him, Master?

\- Not much. - Master Connor looked at him and nodded. - If this indeed has to be a new beginning for both of you, then your story is for you to tell. But before that… I have something to help you pass the time, I hope. 

They stopped at the end of a corridor; there was a door, strong and solid, but without a plaque on the wall. Zach couldn't help but glance at the lock; a tough one. What could be inside?

\- Now, Zach, about your nightly trips to the office - Master Connor started and Zach hunched. Of course the topic wouldn't just die. - It wasn't fair for me to forbid you something and not offer anything in return, not very educational. More so, you were going through a great deal of trouble in the pursuit of knowledge, so even though I'm probably saving your life, or at least your bones, I feel like a bad teacher. So I have something for you.

He took out a key and opened the door, inviting Zach in. 

Inside were… things. The first to draw his attention was the desk, long and broad, bright-lit and clean; above and at the sides countless drawers and shelves full of tools and materials, bottles and boxes of all shapes and sizes. He couldn't name most of them, but their purpose he understood.

\- You know what it is? - Master Connor asked.

The word jumped into his memory. 

\- A workshop. - Zach couldn't take his eyes of it. - For fixing things.

\- About fixing… Here's the truth about all things broken: not everything can be fixed. Sometimes we don't know how, sometimes we don't have what it takes. And sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it just can't be done. - He looked at his hands, flexed his fingers. - And even the thing fixed will never be the same as before. We can put a broken pieces together, but we cannot un-break it. 

Zach frowned. Was that… a warning? He didn't talk about things, right?

\- I… understand, Master.

_ do I? _

\- I know you do. - He nodded. - But that's the beginner's level. A true master knows, that every thing can find a new purpose. Everything that you're wearing right now - the leather, the fabric, the wires in your gloves - all this was once a part of something else. That's the beauty of the craft: to take something deemed broken and see the possibility; a new shape hidden beneath. And that's something I want to teach you… if you wish.

Zach looked around, at all the colours and shapes, unnamed, but inviting. He took a deep breath; the air smelled like rust and gasoline.

(like home)

He felt a little dizzy.

\- Yes - he whispered. - I'd love to.

\- Perfect! - Master Connor clapped his hands, big smile on his face. - I hope you'll find it as relaxing as I am. I made this place myself. - He said proudly. - To have something to escape to when the people becomes insufferable. 

\- We can be awful, I know… - Zach nodded.

\- Oh no, even at your worst you're only a minor nuisance - He made a dismissive gesture. - It's the adults I have enough of sometimes. But this... Steel, copper, wool has no duties, no expectations. Just a form, ready to be molded.

This Zach understood very well. As surprising at it was, it was good to know that even Master Connor was tired of dealing with people sometimes.

\- Speaking of... - The old man looked around. - I know that the practice is the best teacher, but we won't go very far without some theory. So, here's some reading for you. - He pointed at the stack of books on the edge of the table. - Textbooks; electronics, mechanics, physics, some chemistry for a good measure. I left for you my old notebooks as well, maybe you'll find something useful there. - He patted a couple of binders, worn out and full of loose pages sticking out in every direction. - I'm afraid they might be in a bit of disarray.

\- No problem, I'll start with the books.

\- There's a lot of them ahead of you, but I believe you are up for the challenge. -  He smiled. - You proved yourself quite determined to find them. Now, the light at the desk is certainly better for reading, but if you'd ask me, I prefer the chair.

There was indeed a chair in the far corner of the room, the biggest one Zach has ever seen, with a high backrest and a small thing on which one could rest their legs. There was also a blanket in a red-and-green plaid, thick and heavy. And a pillow.

_ oh my god, I'm not leaving this place _

\- It's chilly here sometimes. - Master Connor said, as if this coziness needed an explanation. - But with this blanket you should be fine. - He fluffed the pillow up and rearranged the blanket; it was big enough that Zach could wrap himself in it two times. - I guess you could even sleep here, should you find yourself working until late hours… 

\- Really? 

\- I can't see why not; I'd prefer that than see you wandering around at some ungodly hours. Just notice someone that you'll be here, right?

\- Sure!

It was too perfect. Not only a workshop and a library - it was a  _ hideout _ . A place where is no need to pretend, to pass in, to behave. A place free of Alan. A place just for him… and all things broken, ready to be transformed.

He was speechless, but perhaps there was something in his face that made Master Connor put a hand on Zach's shoulder.

\- I hope I didn't just encourage you to become a hermit. - He smiled. - Please do show up in your dorm sometimes and mingle with your friends.

\- I will, Master. - Zach smiled back.

\- I'm happy to hear that, I don't want to see you becoming a local cryptid. And also I need to ask you to not invite anyone here; I'd hate to have some accident. 

Zach didn't really plan to throw a party here, quite opposite of that, but the ask was fair nonetheless. He had been trusted. He didn't want to blow it.

_ if anything happens Master Connor won't allow me to come here anymore _

And another thought:

_ if anything happens Master Connor will blame himself _

(oh hell no)

\- I will be careful, Master. I promise.

\- I know you will. Here's the key. - He put it in Zach's hand. - Feel free to come here anytime. If I'll need this place for myself, I'll let you know. 

\- Of course.

\- And if you'll ever need help with something, or had any question - I'm always at your service..

Zach nodded, already deciding to never do it, ever. Master Connor was so kind to him - how could he bother him in his spare time? 

\- I know that you're rather shy, so maybe you'd think it would be impolite or something... - Master Connor continued. - …So every time you'd ask yourself "is it worthy of his time", I want you to look at this and remember that I'm thinking of you.

He took a small package wrapped in dark cloth and give it to Zach; there was a hint of excitement in his eyes. The pack was light; Zach carefully pulled an edge of the cloth. Then he gasped.

It was a belt, a few inches wide; the leather was dark, thick but smooth, with a clear texture; the buckle was made of some matte metal.

(soon I'll know what it is)

But that thought was in the far corner of his mind, because something else was more important. The beads - colourful cubes attached in the middle, a mosaic of red, orange and purple. It wasn't plastic or metal, but something else, light and smooth.

_ so pretty _

\- It's wood. - Master Connor explained. - More precisely, a part of a wooden chair which Ian had found on one of his dig sites. The thing was way beyond fixing, but I found it a new purpose.

\- A real wood… - Zach whispered.  _ the thing the colonists were using. the thing back from Earth. - _ And you made it yourself, Master? For me?

\- Do you like it? They were quite popular when I was your age. Uhm, now that I think of it… - He run his fingers through his hair, looking a bit embarrassed. - ...it was a quite time ago. Are kids still wearing these things?

_ I don't care _

\- I love it. - Zach said quietly. He wrapped the belt around his hips, just to feel its weight. - I don't know, Master, but I love it. It's amazing.

\- Whew! I'm happy to hear that, I…

He didn't finish. Zach hugged him tightly.

\- Thank you. - Zach whispered, fighting tears filling his eyes. - For everything.

\- You're always welcome, Zach. Remember this. 

\- I will. 

It really felt like home.

\- Now, what should be the first thing that we make? - Master Connor asked somewhere above Zach's hair.

\- You mean now, Master? We're starting now?

\- I can't see why not, as I took a whole evening out of my boring Headmaster's duties.

\- Then I better let you go. - Zach said and moved back. He was sure that tomorrow his face will be aching from all this smiling. 

\- This will indeed be helpful. I said "we", but it'll be mostly your work. Your hands are better than mine anyway.

\- What's wrong with your hands, Master?

The old teacher flexed his fingers, only now Zach realized that they're trembling.

\- I'm old, Zach, and my hands are old. - He patted him on the shoulder. - Don't worry about it. We can start from something easy… Do you have any ideas?

_ a knife _

(Master won't let you run around with a knife dumbass)

\- I was thinking… a notebook - He said instead. The knife will wait. - So I can write things I don't want to forget.

\- Oh, a diary! That's a brilliant idea. 

\- Yes, this. - Another day, another new word. 

\- I have a paper, we can cut it to shape… - Master Connor was already rummaging through the drawers. - Not very big, so you can carry it with yourself… But sturdy, for the same reason.

\- With a hard cover? - Zach proposed.

\- A leather one? 

_ Shadows, yes _

\- If possible…

\- I had a manta skin somewhere, a fine, smooth leather… We can even dye it, should you like, although it'll take some time. I like the brown, but it's up to you.

\- Can we make it red?

\- We can make it however you like, Zach. That's the beauty of it - the possibilities. 

The possibilities… Zach looked around, at all the tools gathered here. To be not only the one that breaks, but also the one that puts back together, shapes and creates. Can a technomancer be both? 

Is this a possibility?

He will try.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny thing - this story was meant to be about Zach and Sean, but to my surprise Connor became a major character too; I love when characters do this. :)  
> Many kudos to Salmaka for the headcanon that it was Connor that taught Zach the art of crafting. Another wave of kudos to Haaska for the headcanon about the diary, and for finding that promo art of Zach's belt. Love you all, creative souls ;*  
> And, of course, <3 for all folks on Tech Discord, for being constantly awesome!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I know it was mostly Sean talking in this chapter; I'll let Zach speak in the next one, I swear.  
> As always, it's all based on my headcanons, Connor's condition included. Don't really know how is the state of medicine on Mars, but since they can make a fully-automatic limb prosthesis and brain implants, I think they can do a MRI scan as well. I'm so sorry, Connor, my dear. I just wanted to make a reason for you to stay in Ophir. But it's therapeutic for me, in a way, so bear with me plz.  
> And Alan is the worst, of course.
> 
> Hugs and kisses to all folks on Discord. Love you all :*


End file.
